You know how we Nigerians save the names of contacts in our phones with befitting titles/captions? Yep. Like Nkechi mouth-odour (her bad breath is legendary), David bet9ja (the unrepentant gambling addict), Chinedu free-food(you’re sure he’ll pay for lunch whenever you come across him), Funke begi-begi (the consummate corporate beggar), Emeka tramadol (he’s always high on some banned substance) . . . etc. We save their names with those captions because we want to know at first glance exactly which “Nkechi” (you may have up to three Nkechis’ in your phonebook) is calling or which Chinedu (if it’s the broke idiot or the rich dude) is calling. However, no matter how the names in our phonebooks differ; there is a common phonebook caption in this country. Every Nigerian with a phone has someone’s name saved with that caption. I’m sure even the president saved someone’s name with that caption, trust me. There’s always someone, that unfortunate person in your phonebook, saved with the name ‘Do Not Answer’. Who is that person? What did that person do to you to deserve such ruthless title? Well, let’s go through a possible number of reasons why you might designate your fellow human being with that unwanted phonebook caption ‘Do Not Answer’.
Perhaps, you saved your landlord’s name with that dreadful caption because you owe him six months rent(don’t worry; we understand, the struggle is real, ‘country hard’ my brother!); so whenever he calls, your heart skips a beat, you swallow spit, hiss and shake your head; knowing fully well that you could become homeless in a matter of time. Maybe, it’s that evangelist that always calls to remind you that there’s one crusade or another coming up; but then, you know deep down that your soul is beyond salvation. It may be that customer that paid you to supply drinks to him, however you used the money to gamble, praying that Manchester United will win Arsenal. But then they lost and you’re now begging the floor to open up and swallow you (my brother, you’re not going anywhere). It could be that broke boy, the one that lives down your street; he pestered you for a month, asking for your number, so you gave it to him and then saved it with that caption just for good measures (you no get joy o!). Maybe, it’s Precious, you promised to buy her an iPhone 6 that day in your bedroom so you could sleep with her, then you saved her name with the caption so that you wouldn’t mistakenly pick her calls and explain why she still hadn’t gotten the phone three months after you slept with her.
You see, the truth is bitter. So most times we prefer to spare people the trauma of explaining the reasons for most of our actions. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a coward (yes, I said it). Pick the damn phone and tell that girl that there’s no way in hell that you’re getting her an iPhone 6; hell!, You’re even using Nokia torch (you know, that one you hold together with rubber band). Explain to your landlord that you’re being owed six months salary and you’d pay him as soon as the government remembers that salaries are meant to be paid not owed.
My brother/sister, you can’t come and kill yourself for anybody oh!
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