I am not excited with this interview. This my friend is a chronic liar. His lies can recreate your senses. I will try and stick with the truth as strongly as possible. Just don’t get carried away.
I arrive at his hostel and head for his room. It is a narrowly-squared room. Painted sky blue and halved by a white paint –a thin white line running half way across the room. Before you enter his room, there’s a symbol “GRA Lane” Boldly designed on a blue square-cut cardboard paper. Crucified at odd angles with sellotapes, on the wall few inches before his room. We gist. I don’t ask for water or food. There’s none, am almost sure. We begin…
GRA : Lols guy you be mumu o! This one you wan know this one? Abi you never chop Kpanku (sex) before? No worry I go teach you … (he stretches out his hands places it on my head like a father would, after dolling out advice)
ME: My guy no be small thing o! (See, whenever you don’t have strength to argue. Just end the sentence with a general phrase that sounds smart and at the same time utterly useless).
GRA: Mehn na with one careless Shima (girl –you would be surprised the varieties of slangs available for the word girl) like that sha… but she gather wella (he demonstrates like a footballer celebrating a goal, his two arms arched forward, vibrating).
(When guys feel ashamed with the girl they had something with. The usually use careless names like shima, Olosho, Chiakala and the emphasize more on her package “boobs & booty” –from now on would be depicted as B&B)
Me: I smile hard, and peel my eyes open. I pretend like I get the picture of her package. Dbanj’s Endowed floats pass my mind.
GRA: Guy na for night the show go down sha. I off light, the girl don lie down already. If you see this girl, Kai! Her breast just dey like pillow and her laps just the shine like shoe wey the polish (again? As if the earlier demonstration wasn’t enough. I think he is trying too hard to paint a tantalizing picture of the girl to save face. To massage his ego. But wait, I thought he said he turned off the light? How is the laps na shinning?). I come carry one hand wear condom sharp sharp (I think the dexterity of wearing a condom should have its own award). Guy come see fuck up o… (My ears hone in). As I hold my prick, lie down on top her body, I come begin the find opening o! (He demonstrates this, holding his imaginary prick, dips at different places on air –like holding a key and trying different key holes. I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing. Hysterically even. He continues, encouraged by the peel of laughter he had drawn from me).
GRA: Guy I just confuse. I come the para sef. The girl come ask “what’s the problem” see babe wey I don dey form say I be pro…tell am say “if I catch am, ama rock ha world”. Omo I just vex for am. I tell the shima “Carry am put na, you just the dia the look” he cursed. (He demonstrates offering me his imaginary prick. I give him a stone face). That was smart, he took on the defensive, made it seem like it was her fault and clearly saved face. And the rest was history.
I am going home is like rain wants to fall