You. Yes you! You poor, maligned Nigerian. Cheated out of your rightful share of the national cake and denied your basic social amenities by those crooked, unrepentant politicians. You wake up each day cursing those politicians, telling yourself that hell awaits them because they are the cause of all our misfortunes in this country(*scoffs* we’re always looking for someone to blame shaaa). Well, I have news for you; actually good news. You are also going to hell! Yes, you are as well going to hell with those politicians you so love to hate; but the only difference is that unlike those politicians that die in the privacy of their posh American hospitals surrounded by their family and friends, you will die in our poorly funded Nigerian hospital neglected by striking doctors and nurses. Surprised or offended by my vitriol? Fear not, just keep reading and check if you fall into any of the categories listed below.
You heartless mechanic that told that clueless female customer yesterday that the cost of replacing her car horns is seven thousand naira while the stuff is actually sold for less than a thousand naira; you are going to hell – yes, you! You mischievous land agent that sold the same plot of land to five different people and absconded with the money to Singapore; leaving them to fight and kill themselves over it, you will surely dance ‘kukere’ in hell. You ruthless lawyer that told a potential client just some moments ago that his/her case is valid and that you will definitely win the case(while in reality, you know that the case is “dead on arrival”), just because you want him to pay you money – your flight to hell is business class. You contractor that ate the money paid to you for that road construction and cleaned your mouth; daring anybody to sue you– like that road project you abandoned, your road to hell will be rough and bumpy. You spineless coward that hits your poor wife at any slightest opportunity because you want her to know who the boss is; deep down, you know your destiny is to clean toilet in hell. You greedy petroleum marketer that hoards petrol at any slightest chance, so that you can cause panic and subsequently inflate the price of the premium motor spirit – don’t worry, I know you’re saving that petrol for your own section of hell; so you can keep the fire burning. You randy old man that won’t leave all those university girls alone for boys their age, you confuse, bamboozle and spoil them silly with your endless supply of gifts and cash – I hope you have an explanation for the devil when you get there. You footballer that told your club that your real age is nineteen, while your birth certificate says thirty-five; chill, you will be a celebrity in hell, trust me.
Finally(this one pain me!), you vicious MMM ‘expert’ that convinced your neighbors to invest their salaries in that useless Ponzi scheme; knowing fully well that it had crashed by then – you know your flat in hell is fully furnished, right?
For a moment, let us stop and think. We keep blaming those politicians, telling ourselves in the privacy our homes that judgement day awaits them. Yimu! Judge ko! – Ment ni!
Oh well . . .
Photo credit: punchng.com