See, if you are that person on Facebook that always canvas for “acting cool” when dealing with subs, keeping quiet and ignoring the taunts. Oya, come closer. No, no, come very close. Good, good. Your father should have used Durex not Golden Circle! In-fact, you’re the product of a torn condom! Yes, yes I said it. I am not even in this state, so you cannot come and beat me.
Oh well, you just can’t try this on the road. You just can’t try this on a Nigerian road, are you mad? Do you want to buy a new car? Probably you hit a car or the car hit you or there was a hit…and you decide to form Boss? What! I mean you will seat on your car and do as if you want to do phone call? Who are you phoning, Buhari?
See, at that moment, if you don’t stop your car right there -it doesn’t matter who hit who as long as there’s a crash. Just stop the car right there. If you say no! And decide you want to clear very well –so as not to cause traffic? You are mad, immediately you move your car out of the crime scene you are the culprit! So you want to run abi? The driver that even hit you or scratched your car, will chase you and block you. What? Do you think is easy to scratch somebody’s car? You must pay for his scratching service.
So what do you do? Park your car right there! Just off it immediately, if other vehicle owners are shouting “oga clear, clear now” ignore them…is it their scratch? Then slowly walk to where you heard the sound. Don’t walk fast, if you do, people will think you are rushing to beg. Walk slowly and examine the crash, shake your head and rumple your face like Rochas examining his road project as if he is not the one building it. Now swear for the driver, curse him, if he has muscle don’t fear. Curse him harder “Waka! na God go punish you there, your father! Thunder will rape you today”. Very good, you’ve completed phase one.
Now go and clear very well, before other drivers will cause premature death on top your matter. Don’t relax, this is where you show yourself off. Immediately you park, start shouting at the driver, make sure you keep telling him thunder fire you…just talk nonsense and shout, vibrate, let muscle full your whole body. Use your finger and poke your eyes, make sure it is red, if it is green or yellow it will not sell. Let the vein around your neck strain –so it can be counted like guitar strings. If you don’t have enough vein just go and buy and store it in your car. Now shout, if you feel your mouth is going dry, that the spittle waxing your throat is drying up, appeal to any jobless passer-by “I was at my lane and his lane entered my lane and pushed my car out of park” just confuse him/her it doesn’t matter if you make sense or not, as far as your veins are popping out and your eyes are red and you are vibrating, they would believe you. “Na person wey em pain pass the go scot-free”. Now watch your referrals fight for you…
Let me stop here, Buhari is calling me.