So you just got off from a very terrible heartbreak (alright sorry, ndo!). What was her name again? Sylvia… yes! She was the typical slay queen spec. Well curved and chocolate (mmh mmh) –cream chocolate like the Snicker bars –with very long legs and well polished, that shown even in your dreams, stalking you at night –the twist and turns, the pillow in between your laps, insulating your “member” from attacking your own bare skin.
Your heart was a piece of red cloth wound round her like the red cloths native doctors wrap around their voodoo dolls before practicing their lethal acupuncture. And she used you to wipe every skin that covered her body, her financial blemish you covered it; shopping spree, movie spree, eating spree, any spree one could think of, you covered it (spree n’da everywia).
Was it the “Samsung 9+” that made you sweat? You had to save five months’ salary before you could even afford it. You said no to her, it was the first time you did such, the first time you actually felt you had a complete set of balls. Sadly she stopped picking your calls and would at times –after maybe six missed calls –pick, just to tell you she is busy and would call you back later. But she never does. You couldn’t take it again and so you decided to set her straight… bad move! You ended up in your cold bed, your pillows keeping you company and hot tears rolling fast and an angrily hissing bank account.
Now, you roam Facebook, you go through people’s walls and photos; you search names randomly. As if that wasn’t enough you search the friends of your friend’s friend. You see one; chocolate, tall and with an artificial eye (fine geh). Her name reads “Itzyagirl Jessica” (what! Slay queen alert) you sigh so loud it feels like a sound made by something other than the mouth.
You continue your Guilder Ultimate Search. You discover one, she fits right into your spec and with an appealing name; calm, humble, (uhmm you nod and smile) “Chinedu Obiageri” (mmh Obii Obii) you smile. She is cute, very cute, she is in-between fair and chocolate, tall, very thin lips and no makeup (no makeup, you repeat in your head).
You zoom her features, her breast looks big and with a very nice color, from the way she posed, you could tell her ‘behind’ was well above average.
You click “send friend request” two hours later she accepts, you go to work. She smiles at your every jokes, you feel there’s a connection; How you both finish off your sentences, how you could easily tell what’s on her mind (oshey baddest!)
You ask that you both meet. She says “No”, that she wants to get to know you more and that you seem like a very good person. You smile and reply “Sure I am”. She sends her number however.
You both talk on phone for hours, the connection goes stronger, her laughter is wonderful, rolling, instinctive and desirous like water flowing into a parched abandoned well. You talk so late in the night, 2am you are still not done. Your card gets exhausted, you borrow 500 NAIRA airtime, you don’t care she’s worth it, you reasoned. The talk gets heated, even your phone got hot with the kind of messages moving through it. “I want to make you mine…” you say, she smiles loudly but softly with a pinch of Disney naiveté and replies; “well I am already yours”. A strong wind must have blown through your brain, because you just fell on the bed with a broad sheepish smile plastering your face. Finally you both agree to meet….
What do you think will happen next? Do you know that every relationship follows the same process; Chance meeting — good chat flows—you think there’s a connection—you act on it—soon you think you are in love! This is where you get it all wrong! …
You choose a very romantic spot “Boulevard La Blue”. It’s a roof top restaurant with a well patterned China woods for demarcation and privacy. It had neon lights around the signboard. You seat and await your date. 15mins later, She calls and informs you, she just located the place and she’s coming in. But that she’s very shy, if you wouldn’t mind leading her in. “… and miss the chance to watch her walk in and swing her God given talent, what?” So you say NO. She smiles and ends the call. You get anxious now, your heart’s racing, what if you didn’t dress well? What if she doesn’t like you at the end and then it becomes another heart break, back to back? You shrug the thought off. And get busy with your phone to kill the anxiety. A lady walks towards you, she looked mangled by her cloths. You tell her that this table is already taken and you are awaiting your date, your face brimming with boyish glee. There’s a play of confusion on her face, are you not Kingsley she asks? That was when your eyes widened to show the edge or end of your cornea. Your heart stopped. Too many thoughts run through your mind. Was it because you were using Airtel’s free Facebook? Maybe it loaded a wrong picture? Perhaps it was the Glo you later switched to at night? And the pictures were so slow in loading, that you had imagined an absolute beauty lay behind the slow loading pictures. Too many thoughts floats by, but you’re already on your feet, leaving the venue, your mouth shaped in form of a curse, but now would it be for Airtel or Glo?