I recently stumbled on an article where someone said ‘ . . . this is what we wake up early to do’. You know how normal people in other countries wake up very early in the morning to achieve set goals? We don’t do that over here!!

In Nigeria, you don’t wake up very early in the morning (say like 2-3am) just because you want to, it’s far from that. Over here, you wake up early because you have to. So in my usual altruist manner, I decided to a make little list of things that most people in Nigeria wake up early to do.

• We have those that wake, say 12-1am. These lot wake by this time either to pray themselves out of trouble or to curse someone to eternal damnation. I heard cursing someone by that time is usually very effective. I also heard that if you do the prayers naked (as in stark naked), your request will be granted immediately.

• The next set is what I classify as the “general population”. As a Nigerian, you must have been in this category at a point in your life. Those in this category wake up early because it’s only by this time that NEPA brings light; so you wake up to iron (you have no option whatsoever; if you like no wake up). It’s the only time the internet works (if you’re using glo, you can relate). It’s the only time you can probably read (if you live in a public yard, you’re on this table). It’s the only time you can think clearly without your spouse or kids ruining your imagination. It’s the only time you have to get up early and hurry to stand in queue so you can fetch water. It’s the only time you have as an internet fraudster to try and convince your client into sending you money (scamming someone in another time zone is not as easy as most people think o!)

• Also, we have those that wake early just for one purpose- Porn. They know themselves, infact I have a feeling they have an association where upon induction they swear to watch porn only when others are sleeping. Don’t ask me how I know this . . . I did my research thoroughly biko.

Finally, we have the last category. This is the only category I fit into, this category feels like home. I believe only a few people can lay claim to this category and they are called ‘legends’. We wake up only for one thing, nothing else is worth our time and attention. You know what we wake up to do?

We wake up just to pee.

I lost hope in humanity a long time ago. Now sarcasm is my only defense.

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