See I woke up this night to shake table. I want to shake and break this table. It is now too much. Too much. Can you imagine? This 2019, this beautiful year and some people have started it again? No no no over their dead body.

What’s it??

Hmm can you imagine, one girl I took-out, we went to a cool bar that was selling one small Guinness Stout 700? (Hmm my chest is still paining me). She ordered chicken pepper soup and I watched with only one bottle (I don’t like eating meat on a Sunday) . And then when she told me “baby lets go home” that’s how a brother was now smiling, paid his tithe happily.

We got home. A brother was sweating, I pull cloth and we were now smooching, kissing. Ok lemme remove her pant, she say baby no o, I told her “ah aha but I don’t want to use it and buy Benz” She said no, just kiss me first. Ha I laugh for my mind. Maybe she’s shy. I kissed kissed my saliva finished I had to give someone 10Naira to buy extra saliva.

1hr pass, brother was not breathing well again. I try to off pant. She say baby no no. She just likes to kiss. Me I said I like to off pant too. She say baby you’re silly. I tell her you’re silky too. WE start to kiss again. But no, dem no born me today. I try off am again with vex. She say no baby she’s a virgin. I say that’s not a problem, I have finished that degree, in fact I am currently serving. She say no, that I won’t understand. I say, yes I don’t need to understand. She now said that her virginity was dedicated to xmxchxmch….

My people this nonsense must stop this year.

If you know you’re a girl line up here! Yes line up form a single line. Choose your category. Let’s stop deceiving ourselves.


Grade One Virgin: AKA TEAR RUBBER: HM. These are the real virgins. Those brand new cars, that their nylon is still intact. The inside smells like London and the boot like Paris? Pls not China who brought China into this talk? The car rims are shiny -alloyed metal. Yhup they are the real virgins. No question and they are still in their mother’s womb.

Grade Two: AKA FAIRLY USED; Wait keep quiet there! Is not what you think. You know all these Yahoo guys that would hit money today, rush and go buy Car. Car that can train his entire village people? And then the next day. They don’t have money to buy fuel or pump tyre. Next thing you know, the will park it one place, clean it, remove the license plate and package it for sale? Yeah, so they are the grade two virgins. The car have only been fairly used (highest na ShopRite the carry am go). Those virgins that like to kiss for 3 days and allow only a brother suck one or two nipple. This is where they belong.  And this virgins are still in primary school. (argue with your bank account)

I don’t believe it


Grade Three: AKA SECOND HAND; there’s a big difference between fairly used and second hand. If you listen well. Before you mention second hand it comes out with anger. Like you’re quarrelling with yourself. You can’t say second hand with church mind. No. it comes out with vex. Now second hand are those cars that’s always on their period. Today it is the bonnet, tomorrow is the crank shaft, break pad, carburettor, alternator and the engine is always heating up. Every day there’s a problem. They are the reasons our mechanics are always smiling.  They have been used so much that there millage equals the distance from Nigeria to Australia. And people that drive this car are always angry. You see all those people that usually curse on the road. Check their car well. You can’t be inside AC and be cursing.  This category now is grade three. This are those girls that will allow head to enter small on Friday. Next week Thursday they will tell you they’re still virgins. And the girls here are in secondary school and year one university.

suffer no dey tire you


GRADE FOUR: AKA REFURBISHED OR MADE IN CHINA: Hahaha fear these ones. Destiny Choppers. This category actually go to native doctors to maintain their virginity. Don’t ask me how I know. You know all those cars. That their engine will knock.  The Body badly damaged. Those cars you see on the Tv or News with the headline “Car runs into tipper” or a Dangote Cement truck crushed a Toyota”? Confirm, they are the ones. They have been so badly damaged. Beyond repair that they are shipped to China and their body reassembled with brand new china parts? Yhup. Those are the refurbished or better put “repackaged”. All these Instagram slay queens and slay mamas. Now this people they don’t claim they are virgins but that they are “still tight”. You’re mad go an tight your head

Man’s inhumanity to man

Don’t ask me how I know all these things…

I am just curious about life

One thought on “Pls stop I’m a Virgin!”

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