Hey guys, you know that bullshit about new year resolutions? STOP EET!
You know that crap about the new year being a chance to start afresh? A chance to write a new page in your life? FORGET EET! Instead of rushing to your different social media platforms to pledge allegiance to the “new year-new me” movement, go get your permanent voters card!!
For once in your miserable life as a Nigerian, tell yourself the sad truth. Just sit down for a few seconds and talk to yourself, have an honest conversation with those voices in your head mate (It doesn’t really matter if people see you seated alone in restaurant murmuring to yourself). Brethren, instead of setting out utterly unachievable goals and setting yourself on course to a fool’s paradise in search of a fool’s gold; just find a way to get your permanent voters card so you can vote out certain clowns in office and maybe . . . just maybe; Nigeria might look like a country with sane people in it (okay, I think I’m ranting now).
See ehn, what I’ve been trying to say is, instead of saying that you’re going to stop gambling ( i.e. bet9ja) this 2019, just say you’re going to reduce the number of times you stake in a week or the amount of money you stake with. Deep down, you know that you’re a degenerate gambler and gambling is your only chance to get out of poverty(that’s if you ever will). Those first two weeks of the new year you deceive yourself into not gambling is just what I call mid-term break, whenever you hear that someone somewhere just cashed out . . . boom! You resume normal service.
Don’t go telling people that you’re going to quit cigarette this new year when you know that you’re just upgrading the hustle to weed, s.k, dried plantain leaves, tramadol, codeine etc. Don’t bother convincing yourself that this year, you’re finally going to get married to that poor girl that you’ve been blocking her destiny in the name of dating for the past five years when you know that deep down that you’re a prostitute bro. Just stop eeet! Don’t go screaming about getting a Benz this year when you don’t even know what a Benz looks like. Don’t bother going to church the first three Sundays of the year when you know that by the fourth Sunday you’ll be waking up in a club every other weekend. Please stop it. Don’t bother about telling your friends that you’ve quit drinking spirits and gin because the doctor said it’s not good for you(dude you don’t even know any doctor), when you’re simply switching to beer because it’s cheaper. We all know the country is hard.
Happy new year guys!

I lost hope in humanity a long time ago. Now sarcasm is my only defense.

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